Servant Saber and the Quest for the Holy Grail
by Hono no Tora
Summary: To be honest, no one knew why the Holy Grail would be in Japan. And no matter how hared they might try, they could never find out who put up the inaccurate subtitles in the opening credits. No one knew why Berserker liked dramatic entrances. The biggest question was as to why Arthur Pendragon was a woman, why she preferred to use coconuts and her Master as a Noble Steed.
1. Chapter 1

**I just haaad to do this. I've been wanting to do it for a long time now lol. **

**And we shall begin with credits in a foreign language with inaccurate subtitles. **

**Lansdjfasidufhbie-aldkjnfkjdbfiucba**

**Nfjdherbufuer-fnajegbaierbfl**

**Jcnferhjbuiesgblcgf-fnksdfbrhjebasl**

**Fhcnasile-nsdkfbalehbf**

**(I know this guy and when he was a kid he lived on an island)**

**Kdjnfaksdijfhb-fasdkjhbgiergbals**

**Ngfiusergf-nfkjsdhablsifhb**

**Dskfvasbjhkbgr-fnskacbnilsdf**

**(And then it got taken over by zombie-vamps)**

**Kdsfbfacnrgfancsdhi-fksfbhjrfbksjfskdabf**

**Ksdjcndhfsnilhma-adkfhbaskfcnd**

**Dhfasnillerh-fkhbserniaol**

_Pardon for this interruption of the credits. We apologize for the inaccurate subtitles. The person responsible has been punished. You may now continue enjoying this nonsense._

**(And then he was saved by this bad a** gun slinging lady who came out of nowhere)**

**Ksdbjfiwecnlaosdkbcfkd-fnksadjafsl**

**Fjrhaniesdkksal-askdhafnkchflahfd**

**Aksdjhfcniawsfh-asikdhfniuhadlfsdnhj**

**(And then she raised him to be a fellow bad a** gunslinger who comes out of nowhere)**

**Kdjfbasdifgbasdifhsdni-sdikhfdganlk**

**(like BATMAAAAN)**

_Excuse us again. Apparently the source of the problem was not the subtitler himself. Rather it was another man on the phone talking to the subtitler. They have both been punished (the guy on the phone was hung up on)_

**Dakjhfnedasdikafskld-askhgfbscuiedgh-**

**Asjhcfnisdfklnh-aiksjhfnioscdeud**

**Asiknduaods-faidsuacfnodh**

**Adofhasniedhl-askdhfnskldiufc**

**Suidacfnosdhkj-aikhuffsdaskdfhn**

**(But then he had to blow up a plane and then he got depressed because his bad a** gun slinging adopted mom was on board. And then he got married to some albino looking lady who was magical. And then she died too and he was depressed again. And then he found this really stupid ginger kid-)**

_Forgive us for the last time. We tried to punish the man on the phone (he called back) but our forces were sniped. So we will finish the last bit of the credits with some really trippy-a** footage from the last half hour 2001 a Space Odyssey. We are not responsible for any seizures that may occur. _

_**(TRIPPYNEEEEEEEEEES)**_

A clacking noise steadily broke through the eerie silence of the fog blanketed stairs. The dark form of a shrine gate loomed amongst the mist as the great King Arthuria approached. The sound of her loyal red-headed steed, Shirou, pacing onward and the slight clanging of Arthuria's armor were the only sounds to be heard. As they approached the castle, a voice shouted from its roof.

"Halt!" the voice was obviously that of a man's, and had a strange, rather oriental accent. "Who goes there?" The man stepped out into the gloomy light, making him visible. He wore something that made his shoulders look broader than they really were, and long blueish purple hair that was pulled back into a high ponytail, save for a pair of side bangs that framed his Asian face.

"It is I, Arthuria, daughter of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons. Defeater of the Saxons, and sovereign of all England."

"And who is that there?" he pointed towards her noble steed.

"This is my horse, Shirou. Now would you please go ask your Master-"

"Hold on a moment, that's not a horse."

Arthuria looked behind her, only to find the familiar sight of none other than her steed. "Well of course he is! A horse is a horse, of course-"

"Are you blind? You are using mere coconuts to fabricate the sound of hooves! You've got two halves of coconut and you're banging them together." The Asian man was sounding as though he were getting irritated.

"It doesn't matter. Anyways can you please-"

"Where did you get them?"

"Get what?"

"The coconuts. Where'd you get them from?"

"Well what do you mean?"

"Well, we're in Japan, and Japan is a temperate climate, whereas coconuts are tropical."

"We found them," Arthuria said.

"Found them!? In Japan?"

"Well the swallow may fly south, or any other bird may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are no strangers to this land." That was simple logic.

"Are you suggesting"…his voice got all low and deadly, his accent only making it more so. "That coconuts…migrate?"

"Absolutely not! They could have been carried."

"Nani- A swallow carrying a coconut!? Absurd!" The asian man was getting angreh.

"It could grip it by the husk," she said.

"It is not a matter of where it is gripped! It's a matter of weight ratio! A five ounce swallow cannot carry a one pound coconut! I should know, I strike them down all the time!"

Arthuria found it strange that this strange Asian man would strike down swallows for a living. However, the conversation was running dry, and she had knightly business to attend to. "Well it doesn't matter! Will you go to your Master and tell him that Arthur Pendragon has come from Camelot?"

There was a momentary silence. "You see," the man continued in a business-like tone. "In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow must beat its wings forty-three times per second, correct?"

"PLEASE!" Arthuria shouted in exasperation.

" Am I not correct?"

"I'm not interested!"

Another voice came in from behind the shrine gate, one that said, "It could be carried by an African swallow." A man in all black with a white skull-shaped mask stepped into sight.

The Asian man replied, "Well an African swallow, perhaps, but not an oriental one, that's my point."

"Of course, I agree with that."

"WILL YOU ASK YOUR MASTER," Arthuria abruptly interrupted. "If he wants to join my court at Camelot!?"

Another quiet moment. "But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory," pointed out the purple-haired man.

"Oh, yeah… Well what if two swallows carried it together?" the man with the white skull mask put out.

"Oh, that's ridiculous. They would have had to carry it on a string."

"Simple! Just use a strand of…"

The swallow exerts' voices faded away as Arthuria and Shirou trotted on away, denoting the Master of this castle to be unworthy of a place at the round table.


	2. Class Destinction

A loud clang was heard amongst all of the weeping and coughing of the city, followed by a cry of "Bring out ye dead!"

This repeated about once every eight seconds if one had to guess, as Ruunuske, the very soulless redhead, walked about the burnt ruins of Fuyuki city with glee.

A white-haired, rather cracked-up looking bloke came up, accompanied by an enormous knight in black armor, who carried a short, shriveled old man over his shoulder. "Here's one," he said, as he gestured over to the smoking dark knight.

"I'm not dead!" Ruunuske looked behind Berserker to see the old man still flailing his wrinkly arms, and kicking his sandaled feet about.

"What?" he asked, as he grasped the situation.

"Nothing," Kariya insisted, handing Ruunuske a few yen. "Here, just take this and the old man-"

"I'm not dead!" Zouken shouted from Berserker's back.

"There, he says he's not dead," Ruunuske said.

"Yes he is, just take him-"

"I am not!" the raisin-looking old man cried.

"He isn't?" Ruunuske was getting confused.

"Well, he will be pretty soon, he's gotten quite old," Kariya reassured him.

"I've BEEN old, you retarded little git!"

"No you haven't, 'cause if that were the case, you'd be stone dead already. It should happen any moment now."

Ruunuske looked at the squirming elder. "I can't take him, it's against my regulations…I only take dead people. They're guts are cooler to look at."

"I won't go to the morgue!" Zouken didn't want that little brat to win this.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Kariya chided.

"I can't take him."

"Aw, do us a favor?" Kariya pleaded.

"I FEEL FINE!" Zouken yelled.

"I can't! I really can't take him, though I would if I could…"

"Well can you come back around in a couple of minutes? He won't be long," He was bound and determined to get this old worm out of his life.

"No, I gotta go all the way to the Kotomine church. They've lost the preacher and they found Tohsaka there," Ruunuske informed.

"Well when's your nest round?"

"Thursday."

"I FEEL HAPPY!" Zouken wasn't sure he could wrm himself out of this one.

Ruunuske sighed. "Look, you're really not going to fool anyone…Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I REALLY DO FEEL HAAAPYYY-"

Ruunuske had snuck around behind Berserker, who made no attempt to stop him, and drew a small knife from his pocket and stabbed the old man's squishy head.

"Oh, thanks for everything," Kariya sighed as Ruunuske took the wrinkled body and plopped it in the back of the van he was carrying bodies in.

"No problem," Ruunuske did a little salute to Kariya as he continued to drive about the town, hollering with joy, "Bring out ye dead!"

All of this was yet again pierced by the sound of clacking coconuts and the light rattling of armor as King Arthuria rode on through, Noble Steed Shirou tagging behind her.

"Who's that there? Ruunuske asked Bluebeard, who was chanting in the passenger seat.

"HOOOOO. She must be a holy virgin king.

Ruunuske looked at him. "How can you tell?"

"Well, for one, she hasn't got blood and ash all over her…"

"Oh, coooooooool!" Ruunuske hooted.

Arthuria rode up just behind a figure with long, green hair and a blonde-headed young man with oversized golden earrings.

"Young woman-" she called out to the green-headed one.

"Man!" the figure turned to glare at Arthuria.

"Pardon?"

"I'm a man, not a woman."

As Arthuria approached yet closer, she could see the….Its face was flushing. "I'm sorry, but you look terribly feminine, especially from the rear," she couldn't help but be honest.

"Do not!" Its face got even brighter red, and he said further, "You could just call me Enkidu!"

_Dear Lord, he even sounds like a girl,_ she thought. "Well I didn't know you were called Enkidu…And are you sure you're not a girl?"

"Of course I'm not!" Enkidu shouted, enraged. "Gil, tell this chick that I'm a guy!"

Up until then, Blondie hadn't even bothered to look at the woman trotting next to them, but when he did, he nearly tripped over thin air. Enkidu had to lift his jaw back to his head from dragging on the ground.

"Gil!" Enkidu grasped his shirt and tugged on it, snapping him back into reality. "Gil, tell her that I'm a guy!" he pleaded with his bestie.

Gil shook his head, as it was still swimming from seeing Arthuria first hand. "Oh yeah," he said casually. "See, look." He grabbed the end of Enkidu's long tunic, and went to lift it up, and was very near his waist when Enkidu let out an "EEEIIP!" and his hands flew to his legs to anchor the tunic back down. His face was as bright red as Christmas now, and without thinking (not that he would have needed to, as he would always be forgiven), socked Gil in the jaw. "I didn't mean to tell her like that, you idiot!"

After recovering his jaw yet again, Gil stood back up and looked to the stunning woman in blue, and asked, "Well any hew, whaddya want?"

"Well, you would appear to be a person of higher status, judging by your terribly expensive looking earrings and snake-skin skinny jeans, and thus I must ask you, would you care to join me in my court of Camelot?"

Gil and Enkidu started laughing hysterically. "Hahhahaa, who do you think you are, little zassu?"

"Bless you," she offered.

"Who sneezed?" Enkidu asked, confused.

"Him," she pointed at Blondie Gil.

"What? I didn't sneeze."

"Yes you did. You were about to finish your sentence, calling me a 'little' something, and then you sneezed!"

"I'm telling you I didn't sneeze," Gil insisted.

Arthuria sighed through her nostrils. "If you say so. And to answer your question, Sir Goldy, I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

"King of the who?" Enkidu asked, clearly confused.

"The Britons," She reinstated.

"I've not heard of any Britons," Gil scoffed.

"Only everyone on the freaking Emerald Isles, save for crazy Ireland," did she honestly have to explain who the people were that she ruled over?

"Alright, but that still doesn't make you King over me, zassu," Gil scoffed (again. He seemed to enjoy scoffing very much).

"Bless you again. You know, if you have allergies-"

"I didn't sneeze!"

"But I swear you did!"

"Well your ears are wrong!"

Arthuria looked to Enkidu. "Honestly, how do you put up with him sneezing so often when he's trying to finish his sentences?"

"He's calling you a mongrel in Japanese," said Shirou from behind her, though his lesson on linguistics seemed to go unheard.

"Anyways," Gil hastened, "What makes you think you're a King?"

"The Lady of the Lake," she began, as heavenly choirs sounded from nowhere. "Her arm clad in the purest shimmering sunlight, held aloft Exucariba form the bosom of the water. Signifying from divine providence that I, Arthuria, was to carry Exucariba. THAT is why I am King!" The background music faded as her speech ended.

"Alright, listen, pretty zassu-"

"Bless you."

Gil rolled his eyes and continued. "Strange women lying around in ponds distributing swords is no basis for naming a King. Supreme executive power comes from birthright, not some farcical aquatic ceremony."

"Oh, shut up!" Arthuria shouted.

"I mean, come on! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

"SHUT UP!"

"If I went around, saying that I was an emperor because a moisten being lunged a cemetar at me, no one would have let me work their asses off!"

"Shut up! Will you shut up?!" She went fort to strangle the man out of rage, and though she was met with countless shinny weapons, she continued to rage upon his throat.

"Oooh, oh, do you see this? Enkidu, you see it!? Look at how the mongrels think they can rule me!" he managed to choke out.

"BLOODY TYRANT!" And with that, Arthuria stormed off, Shirou in tow.

"Oh, that was such a give-away. Did you hear that, Kidu? Huh? I'd say we've got an uprising on our hands."


End file.
